Mara's Musings

An article posted on the BBC website today detailed 10 different views on the cause of the recent riots in the uk. The third point cites lack of fathers and hence (apparently) a male role model as an issue.

I think the issue of a lack of a male role model is fine, but its the lack of it within society that is a problem and that is not going to get solved by just sticking any kind of man into a family unit! Sexual equality is a good thing, It's good for both men and women in that our choices are no longer restricted by gender.  However, where we used to have a clear idea about what it mean to be a man or a woman in terms of self respect and  behaviour,we now have a gap.  And while this wont make me any friends in the radical feminist camp, I think this has hit the male population a lot harder than we would like to believe.  We are all able to be aggressive and domineering, the problem is that our society often portrays these as strong and positive male traits, with men who are thoughtful, kind and empathetic are portrayed as weak and feminine, at the same time a lot of the traditional male roles have dissappeared.  I am not advocating that we slot neatly back in to our sexual stereotypes here but that we re-examine what qualities we value as a society in both genders.

We also need to dispel the myth that most single parents are young teens looking to get a council house.  This is a convenient political tactic used to target single parent families who claim benefits, yet in reality most occur as a result of a breakdown in a relationship.Not all single parent families are headed by women, the vast majority are, but there are some great single fathers out there and no one sits there saying they are doing a bad job because their kids lack a female role model.

As someone who found myself alone bringing up 3 kids I can honestly say that the male role models that were available at the time were not positive ones.  The issues ranged from mental and sexual abuse, through to being a philandering idiot who couldn't keep his trousers zipped up.  The men that were available were not exactly "positive role models". It was not how I wanted my kids, especially my son, to perceive the role of the male within society or within a relationship.

My choice was to live alone.  I hoped I would one day meet a "quality man"  - someone who would show an aspect of the male psyche that did not hinge on being a testoterone overloaded idiot who threw their weight around, felt it was OK to treat women badly, or whine when they had to do things that needed doing just because it wasn't fun.   In the meantime, there were plenty of men around to provide a decent role model, they just werent my sexual partner or living in my house!!

You can argue that having 2 loving parents is better than one, and it is, if both parents love and respect each other and their children. And respect for your children includes preparing them to live within a community through discipline and establishing  boundaries!!   I do not support the implication that any father is better than no father since a negative role model is worse not better than no role model at all.  Plenty of well balanced human beings are turned out by single mothers (and fathers) who, in the main, see to it that they fulfill as many of their childrens needs as humanly possible.