Mara's Musings

We all know that call centres are just about one of the most irritating uses of the telephone.  There you are, sat having a nice cup of tea, or getting on with something useful and you are interrupted by some little oik, usually based in Bangalore and claiming to be called Dave, to sell you something you don't want, or hassle you in other ways peculiar to the cult of the call centre.

Knowing that at perimenopause and beyond we girls all get a little bit snarky - I thought, why not put my perimenopausal angst to some socially productive use?  Yes, I could have some call centre sport; this simultaneously achieves 3 things:
1)  You delay the call centre worker thus protecting others;
2) You relieve some of your angst meaning you are just so much nicer to those around you who you actually care about, and
3) You obtain the benefits of Schadenfreude by experiencing the joy of passing on a little of your own angst to someone else.


My Top 4 Tips are:

1)  Short and Sharp

"Hello, may I speak with Ms.........."
"I don't  know....are you ringing from a call centre?"
Remember that this is "off script" so there may be a pause whilst "Dave" collects his thoughts.
"Um...yes I am..."
"Well, in that case...you can't"   Hang up, job done.


2)  Time to Spare


"Hello,  may I speak with Ms......"
"Of course, I will go and get her for you...just hang on  a moment"
Place handset down and leave, make tea, have a sandwich or go out.
It ususally takes at least 2 minutes before they hang up.
No effort, great rewards.


3)  Vengeance is Mine


This is for those with  time to spare and a major grudge.  You will need: music, the ability not to laugh, and a pretty good telephone voice.

Simply wait for the call, and as they ask the "can I speak to..." question start talking over them
"Please hold, your call is important to us, we will connect you as soon as possible."  Play music.
Then repeat the above with slight variations, remember to include that they are moving up in the queue, that their call may be monitored for quality and training purposes, that they may be required to confirm their identity and so on.  If you can make a standard recording you can play into the phone you dont even have to stand there waiting for them to hang up.




4)  The Mexican Stand-off

Great for those occasions when they decide they want to "confirm your identity".  This is my personal favourite if I am bored and want some call center sport because you can drag this on and once they get off script they really get flustered.  It works for all "confirmation questions" with a little imagination, even your name.  And it helps if you start asking them questions too, well....try it and see.

"Can you tell me your date of birth?"
"No, you tell me what you think it is and I will confirm if it's right or not."
"Ummm....no I cant do that, you have to tell me what it is."
"That's not really confirming is it, that's giving you the information"
"Ummm......"
"Tell you what, What's your date of birth?"
"Umm, I dont give that out"
"No, nor do I"
Hang up, job done.